What Kind of Partner would you build?…

I previously started to unravel why we hide from others in my blog “The Masks We Must Wear.”  Now that we know what we do to protect ourselves and how we present ourselves, I’d like to explore what finding a partner means for you. Let’s start with what you ARE looking for in a potential partner.  For many of you, it may be easier to come up with a list of things you know you don’t want than what you are looking for in a potential partner... and we can start there. 

Many people are often not aware of how we are attracted to our partners, and that most of it is an unconscious process. Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt, states that we are attracted to both the positive and negative traits of our early caretakers, and search for those same traits in our potential partners.  This explains that when we do find our partners, we often feel “at home” with them, as it feels familiar to us.  

As humans, we are wired for connection, and it is within relationships that we grow and learn about both ourselves and our partners, as we continue to make sense of the world around us.  We essentially hire our partner to be the person who both triggers our wounding and who is also the very person who can help us heal from those triggers. This is the premise of the work we do as Imago Relationship Therapists, and why I love the work I do.  In addition to my Advanced Imago Certification, I have had training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Encounter Centered Couples Therapy, Inter-Analytic Couples Therapy, Prepare/Enrich Couples Facilitation, and am working towards a PhD in Clinical Sexology. So… it seems I have a specialization in relationships and sexual health, and I am dedicated to helping others find satisfying and secure relationships of their own. 

Now that I’ve given you a small glimpse into the unconscious selection of a partner, let’s turn to the conscious factors we can control. When you list the traits or qualities that you are not looking for, do you come up with a list that can span two to three pages in length?  If so, that’s not surprising.  Why is it more challenging to pinpoint what you are looking for?  

We don’t like to limit ourselves, or sometimes we think we can change and adapt our way of thinking, or that the other person may be willing or able to do the same for us.  Time and time again in my practice, I see so many struggling to morph into something they think their partner would find more attractive or try to change their partner’s ideas.  

If you’re more intent on changing the other person rather than changing how you interact or think about that person, you may be trying too hard.  This is why figuring out what you ARE looking for is critical to finding happiness in your future relationships.  

Often, we go about only knowing what you’re not attracted to, but that doesn’t narrow things down and doesn’t give you anything concrete in the dating field.  I’m here to tell you: we can’t change other people - it’s futile, and although you may make them see it your way temporarily, things will inevitably resort to their default nature. 

So, think about the things that are important to you, but start with things that are not physical. What?? Did I just ask you to put aside that long list you had for so long? I did indeed!

 Focus on things that are not having to do with the physical traits of a person.  It is essential to focus on who you are looking for.  What would you be doing with this partner if you were to paint the picture for yourself six months down the road, one year down the road? 

• How would you feel around this person? 

• What do you admire most about the person you’re with?  

• Is it vital that they are family-oriented?

• That they have a wicked sense of humor? 

• That they are confident, loyal, or kind?  

• Are they career-oriented, or are they focused on building a life together with you?  

•  Is your ideal partner career-oriented or an ambitious, highly motivated individual? If so, are you okay with the fact that they may only have limited availability for you?  

Think about how certain things on this wishlist may realistically show up. 

Therefore, be mindful of weighing the pros and cons.  Ask yourself truthfully and carefully how these qualities might play out in a partnership.  Another typical example might be humor. You may love to laugh with your partner, but are you okay with witnessing your partner being silly or irresponsible when you are clear and focused. 

Sometimes the very specific traits that you are attracted to in others are the things you cannot safely express for yourself, so you may become frustrated or cut off from your partners in the long term if you are not aware of how some of these dynamics might play out between you and your partner.  

If you are ill-prepared, it can leave your head spinning akin to the movie The Exorcist if you’re not careful.  Take some time with this exercise to consider the qualities and traits that you would most admire or need from a partner, and distill it down to the top 5.  I didn’t say this would be easy! 

Also, list one to two absolute dealbreakers, which means if these qualities showed up in this person, you would absolutely be so turned off and disinterested in pursuing a relationship!  Yes, only two...now distill your top 5 to your top 3-4 qualities, and now you have the core values of what you ARE looking for in a partner. Harder than you thought, right?  

I could give you endless examples really, but here are a few I haven’t already brought up: 

• Accountable

• Supportive

• Altruistic

• Growth-Oriented

• Health Conscious

• Independent

• Spiritual/ Mindful

• Transparent

• Motivated

• Compassionate

• Non-Judgmental

• Team Player

Of course, being the therapist that I am, I would not want to overlook how much sexuality might factor into the relationship. It can be a problematic issue for some.  

• Do you want someone that is physically affectionate? 

• How often do you like to be touched or not touched?  

• Are words more compelling to you than physical touch?  

• How much sex would you like to have?  

• How much sex would feel overwhelming/obligatory? 

• Would you be better matched with someone more on the conservative side or more on the assertive side of expressing themselves?

If you are currently in a relationship, does your partner have the qualities you have identified, and what qualities do you have that your partner may be seeking?  Do they align with each other’s values?  If you are single and searching, how do you focus on what you truly desire to have in a relationship versus what you are willing to settle for?  We all deserve to have satisfying relationships, where we can grow and learn about our partners and about ourselves.  We cannot learn how to grow on our own, but it is within relationships that we learn through experience and hopefully have an insight into who we are and who we want to be in our relationships. 

Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust, and healthy communication in their relationships and offers online counseling focused in couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual therapy, premarital counseling, and intimacy and sex therapy in San Diego and all of California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!