As an Online Couples Therapy and Sex Therapist Online in California, I hear about so many couples that are struggling due to the pandemic as the circumstances which were once dependable, have now become so unclear and have contributed to the build-up of resentment and misunderstanding within their communication.

In the midst of the pandemic, more and more couples are struggling to connect on a deeper level and find a way to hold on to intimacy in their relationship. This may be due to the fact that spending time with your loved one around the clock doesn’t necessarily invite desire or increased attraction… shocker! 

What’s that you say? …spending 24 hours with your partner doesn’t make you want to spend even more time with them? Well, you wouldn’t be the first to feel cramped, frustrated and in need of personal space. Most of the couples in my couples and sex therapy practice online in California share that they have reached, or exceeded their tolerance for time spent in close proximity with their partners.

In relationships, we often connect most over sharing external interests or individualistic activities. Remember when you were first dating and you were so excited to learn something new about your new partner? Well, the same principle remains that we often find excitement in novelty. So when you spend time separate from your loved ones, you look forward to sharing the updates with them. When you are both doing the same activities, it can leave your interaction lackluster. If you struggle with figuring out how to achieve this balance, a couples therapist or sex therapist may be able to help you and your partner find balance within this experience.

Spending this much time with your partner within a confined space may have you wanting your own personal escape. There is no outlet, no public spaces at this time that warrant safety and therefore it can lead to difficulty in wanting to turn toward them and becoming intimate. 

Certainly, this can cause undue tension in your relationship and make it hard to feel like intimacy is accessible.  Here are some ideas that may help to break out of boredom and kindle that long-awaited intimacy.

#1: Carve out undistracted time for your partner

It’s important to put distractions such as our phones, emails, tv shows, or anything that pulls our attention elsewhere aside. Giving your partner your full attention tells them that you are present and ready to engage with them. It can be as easy as taking 20-30 minutes of quality time before you begin your day, used as a transition between activities, or maybe sometime in the evening to connect. We have a more meaningful connection when we are spending quality time and are undistracted in a short period rather than when we spend large quantities of time together and it helps you to focus on what’s important.  

#2: Plan a date 

There are various ways to plan or imagine a date. You can have an outside date where you are social distancing, or you can have an inside date. Some examples of outside dates while social distancing: going to the park together, going on a walk in your neighborhood, escaping to the nearest plot of nature near you whether on a hike or just to enjoy the view. For you foodies out there, look up new or interesting restaurants and make a “to be discovered” list for when you have the opportunity to explore or try to be adventurous and attempt to make one of those dishes at home! There are also options like inside dates where you can take turns cooking for one another, try a blindfolded taste test, enjoy a glass of wine by candlelight and flirt with your partner, play board or card games with a new goal, or act of service as a wager. Dates are meant to be fun, so be creative and don’t be afraid to try something new.  Dr. John Gottman has a great book on this called Eight Dates with some guidelines of how you and your partner can take turns planning and is a book I often give to my couples therapy or sex therapy clients to think outside of the box.

#3: Set the Scene 

When I bring this up with my couples therapy and sex therapy clients, they often don’t know where to start. Sometimes it’s just easy to break it down to bare bones.  And when I say this, I mean set the stage.  This is separate from planning the date.  Sometimes no plan is necessary, but if you set the stage with games and candles and go from there, who knows where it will lead. There is of course appreciation in the preparation, but sometimes we get overwhelmed with planning and want to make sure that everything plays out perfectly.  If we just worry about setting the scene for connection; whether it be a bath together, or even a shower together, a simple gesture of setting an ambiance for connection can be appreciated just as much as the actual planned date itself.  

#4: Invest in Play Together

What does this mean? Playtime can be anything from tickling, sharing humorous quips with each other, talking about your plans for the future, or playing in a more sensual/erotic way.  Often when people hear of couples playing they automatically think of exploring fantasies, some type of kink play, satin sheets, and playing a bedtime sexy playlist in the background. Yes, I’m a sex-positive couples therapist and encourage that type of exploration both in my personal life and my couples therapy and sex therapy practice, but what about some of the other types of play? For sure some of these gems should not be overlooked, as they can be a fruitful way of connecting in your relationship.  Some ideas are talking and sharing ideas about who you want to become, imagining your next vacation getaway and planning it, talking about goals (whether far-fetched or not), and talking about what kind of partner you’d like to become for the other person. Talk about your dreams, fantasies, and desires in your life as a whole, not solely focused on sex.  Or talk about your sex life (either with your partner or in sex therapy if you need a little guidance), and how you can bring a little desire and spice in. Would it be a little dirty talk, a little more finger play, more cunnilingus, different positions, costumes, role play, or sex toys to get you more attuned to your bodies and the sacred experience of sex together? Whatever it is, talk about it and remember to share ideas with your partner, but remember to check your judgment and criticism as they don’t belong in those conversations.  What your partner finds sexy or arousing doesn’t necessarily have to match you. Be curious and just listen - learn about your partner, talk about what feels safe to try, or what you might feel more comfortable shelving for more exploration. Take liberties in your play together and really focus on the fun, but do it ensuring that emotional and physical safety are present. 

#5: Laughing is paramount to fulfillment and joy

In my couples therapy and sex therapy practice, I can’t tell you how important fun and laughter are, yet they are still often overlooked or under-appreciated aspects of a relationship. On the other side of the coin, some people only focus on having fun and are forgetful that relationships are work, so it’s important to figure out what the balance is in your relationship. There is room for both humor and serious conversations. One study found that respect and laughter were the two listed qualities in a lasting marriage for married couples that had been together for 30+ years. I’d agree with these findings, as balance is a pivotal expression of affection and of how we share joy with our partners. Being in a fulfilling partnership means being able to look over and laugh about the small things as well as being able to talk about difficult topics. Ask yourself if you’re going to remember what you’re arguing about in a few days, and if the answer is no, try to overcome or hold back on those feelings of frustration rather than lashing out at your partner.  It may just not be worth injuring your partner emotionally over who didn’t wash the dishes or the fact that they were in the sink for a few days. I promise you, it’s not about the dishes anyway, and you need to look at the bigger picture and acknowledge where it’s coming from. Maybe you’ve been feeling unappreciated, or feeling disconnected and unattended by your partner rather than annoyed at dishes. Laugh about the silliness of it all, and change it into an inside joke. Laughing at your failures can be as cathartic and valuable as celebrating your success!

#6: Practice active listening

 I have to laugh at this because most of you probably don’t know what I’m referring to, and I don’t want to project psychobabble at you, so let me explain. As a couples therapy and sex therapy clinician, I often teach my couples what active listening is and what impact it has on the ability to truly hear and understand one another. Active listening is an art, and we’re generally not taught how to do it. Most of the time when we are having a disagreement, we are trying to get our point across and are often in our own heads trying to figure out how we can explain our point in a way that you can understand it, but in doing this, we are actually completely disconnected and not attending to what our partner is expressing to us.  We are so activated, that our forebrain (our CEO part of the brain) disconnects and we act from our limbic brain which is the fight or flight response and in doing so we can’t even adequately absorb any information! We are missing the opportunity of connection, and what an opportunity! Active listening is being able to shelve our bias, critical judgment or opinions and just remain curious and listen to what and how our partner expresses themselves.  I promise it’s harder in the actuality of practice, but that’s why couples therapists are so great in helping to facilitate and guide you in having those dialogues. 

#7: Pursue Individual Interests.

This goes back to the first part of this article when I mentioned inviting novelty and excitement. In Couples and Sex Therapy, often partners feel that they need to have common interests, and thus they feel as if they always need to spend time together. However, pursuing individual interests that are separate from your partner can be the most alluring turn-on. When you witness your partner doing something in which they feel fulfilled and joyful, it can elicit the emotional cocktail you first experienced in the romantic phase of your relationship: dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin... and who doesn’t want to experience that again? Find a space in your home where you can take your own separate space to do some self care.  Whatever that calls for in the moment is fair game, because our interests may vary and fluctuate during this uncertain time period.  Connect with whatever activity truly makes you feel most in tune with your core self - stop and really think about this one.  You know, the one that brings a smile to your face just thinking about it, if you had no responsibilities on your plate, what would you be doing?  Often when we are doing these activities and connecting with our authentic selves, we become more alluring to our significant other.  Think about it...when you see your partner doing something that brings them true joy, and you witness that - most often there’s a sense of eros or sensual emotional attraction there.  This also gives you time to reflect on your sense of individuality separate from the partnership.  You are two separate individuals, with separate identities, opinions, and life experiences and you are choosing to merge, partly with your partner across from you.  It’s a choice and I like to call that a conscious relationship where you respect the other for their beliefs, values, and ideas which may be in alignment or sometimes different than your own, but you choose to be with them, because the pros and joys of the relationship far outweigh the cons and occasional conflicts, and the fulfillment of being with that person makes you feel whole. 

I hope this helps you find the right way to get the magic back and reconnect. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (424) 645-7705 for a free 15-minute phone consultation for online couples therapy in California. My specialties include Couples Therapy, Premarital Counseling, Marriage Counseling, Individual Therapy, and Sex Therapy & Intimacy Counseling. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with reigniting intimacy, deepening your relationship, or if you would like to reconnect with yourself you can read more about how I can help here: www.nikkinolet.com