Avoiding Hesidating, Hesidaters and Ultimatums
Certainly, there is an air of uncontrollable variables that are still looming as a result of the pandemic. However, I think some of the anxiety is in placing the emphasis on developing relationships, as we so aptly were trained not to interact for a lengthened period of time. With all the various dating apps abound, it's simply too easy to dehumanize the pictures we see on the screen from registering that there is a human behind the photo. At times, it may be easy to qualify attractiveness, sarcasm, or humor to name a few, but these are just expressions of potential qualities that compose a whole. It makes sense that we would be less than exuberant in developing a relationship with another person when we are anxious about our own future.
However, remembering why you are on a dating app and the connection you are seeking can be helpful. Relationships create a safe harbor for us within the unchartered territories of life, but when you find yourself taking a pause in replying or planning to meet up I would encourage that person to ask themselves why. Is it due to another person's behavior or action, or is it simply out of fear of the unknown? We have little control over what actions others take, and we do have control over our thoughts and how we perceive or make sense of situations.
Checking in with longer-term goals for yourself will help you define what type of relationship might be suitable for you at this potential time. If your long-term goal is to have a committed relationship in a long-term monogamous relationship, don't let the uncertainty stop you from taking action and potentially creating something for yourself. I think Hesidating also comes from consistently coming across or meeting up with people that don't align with your own long-term goals for yourself.
If you are consistently disappointed that your relationships are not leading where you would like them to go, take a look at the common denominator and revisit what you want and how you will plan to achieve that. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, I'd encourage you to learn about yourself and what you desire in relationships rather than allowing yourself to be defined by the next individual that registers as attractive on an app.
If you are looking for a short term connection, be honest with yourself and the other person and in the end, it may lead to a more fruitful and pleasurable experience for you where your partner is in alignment rather than feeling resentful of you for not stating what you were looking for in the beginning.
When someone uses an ultimatum to move towards progression in a relationship, what they are ultimately doing is taking the agency away from their partner to be able to change things in various ways. It basically strips the options away, and when you have no options you are forced into taking a pathway that may not be of your choosing, which may often lead to resentment in the long run.
In a relationship, effective communication involves two individuals discussing and potentially looking for alternative options. Just because you don't agree with your partner, does not mean that you cannot reach a midpoint in which it is still a win-win for both parties. There is always an alternative, but you have to think outside of the lines and imagine things that you haven't attempted because when we only feel we have ultimatums to draw upon, it states that we have become too confined in our mindset, that we have lost sight of the bigger picture, and have become stuck in the weeds.
Ultimatums usually come about when you are unable to have empathy for the other person and I think we often forget that when we come to a decision that there is only one solution to be had.
Ultimatums are at time appropriate when you are dealing with safety issues or when you want to draw a hard-lined boundary on something. For example, if you feel that your safety is ever threatened you can draw your boundary and ask for it to re respected or you decide to leave. However, when using ultimatums especially when asked regarding marriage or commitment, you have to ask yourself what the long term effects may be for that person going forward, as it differs in many ways depending on that person. Some will take it as a threat and show up as defensive, some will leave, some will harbor it and utilize it against you later, some will swallow it down and internalize the negativity of their loss of choice and some who are unable to make decisions for themselves may take it as instruction as they fear their own judgment.
Before deciding to offer an ultimatum ask yourself if the action itself in which you are stripping them of choice is worth creating tension in the relationship in the long run. They may not be resentful immediately but there is a risk of unconsciously placing rupture within the relationship. Inevitably, there is always a risk to factor in.
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