What are Sexual Norms?
Many people who know I’m an intimacy specialist have questions and want to know what measures of sex are considered normal? Some of the questions I hear are:
How long do people have sex?
How big is the average penis?
How do you have good sex?
What positions are best for good sex?
Where do people most have sex?
When do people most have sex?
Am I normal?
Well, I have to laugh a bit as I hear all of these questions to be honest, because…
There is no comprehensive guide to having sex, and if there is a book claiming this they are lying. Sexual norms differ by culture, religion, geographical area, and certainly by person - so that tells you how many possibilities there truly are!
Sexual norms have us continually qualifying ourselves and our partners against others, and we don’t even know if the people we are comparing ourselves against are having good sex. I like to refer to this dysfunctional behavior as “comparisonitis” in which we continually measure ourselves to define if we are happy or critical of our own enjoyment. Why are we trying to qualify our enjoyment, rather than being in the moment of experience? If your head is in comparison mode, your body cannot be relaxed to experience pleasure. Sexual norms are often harmful and utilize criticism and judgment rather than curiosity, sothye don’t help us to be explorative with our needs, which is often the best way to seek and discover pleasure, delight, desire, sensuality, or the erotic.
What are Sexual Scripts?
Sexual Scripts can be defined as blueprints and guidelines for what we define as our role in sexual expression, sexual orientation, sexual behaviors, sexual desires, and the sexual component of our self-definition. They are usually manifested through media channels portraying sexual pleasure as mutually exclusive, but in reality, we know this is sometimes not the case and yet we can still be enjoying the experience with our partner. These sexual scripts have changed and morphed over time depending on what advertisements and mainstream media is portraying but are often not actually based on real-life experiences. In the 80s, Calvin Klein posted ads of Brooke Shields and Mark Wahlberg and Kate Moss. At the time, these two women were in their teens and they were displayed as sexually evocative and controversy broke out as to how we sexually conduct ourselves. Then sexuality started to be a topic on television series, in magazines, and yet we still continue to stigmatize it and consider it as perverse or offensive, and often avoid the topic in our daily conversations with friends. And why is it that we are often more open with our friends about sex than our own partners? Are you having sex with your friends? Maybe, but more likely with your partner, Still, we shy from talking about pleasure and desires in our own relationships.
Where do we learn about sex?
Well, you and I probably get our information from different resources nowadays as I am often reading the latest in scientific journals or discussing topics with other clinicians. In Western society, we often learn through the lenses of the cultures we are part of, the religion we subscribe to, formal education (albeit limited in school settings) through sexual health classes at school or through literature ( I’m talking written text, not photoshopped pictures in magazines), through an informal process of discussing our experiences and those of our peers and possibly through porn (which is intended for entertainment, not educational purposes). Through these lenses we often learn that our sexual scripts give preference to cis-gendered, heterosexual partnerships often involving two individuals that are white, tall, blessed with a lean physique, having definition that most of us are unable to achieve, are successful, have little stress or responsibilities as they are often in a position of power, have tight stomachs, large lips, are always friendly; they may have structured shoulders or jawlines, curvaceous feminine bodily form and for heaven’s sake their skin is devoid of any discoloration or blemish! So how does that measure up to how we show up in our bodies, are confident, and are comfortable with nudity in front of strangers (there is always a first time of disrobing in front of your partner)? We are expected to drop all of this head trash and show up completely ready to engage in pleasurable and sexual engagement?! Ok, that makes perfect sense. We are all different and as Emily Nagoski explains, “We all have the same parts just organized in different ways.” We need to understand that we have different shapes, sizes, and skin pigmentation. Most of all, we all have different experiences, thoughts, and sensations. This leads to us experiencing pleasure differently from one another, and that’s the point and it’s normal. It’s okay to like something different, to feel something different, and to engage in different ways but the focus should be on the exploration as a journey, not as a destination.
Here’s one thing you will hear me say over and over: All Sex is Good Sex as long as it’s pleasurable and consensual. Period.
Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust, and healthy communication in their relationships and offers online counseling focused on couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual therapy, premarital counseling and intimacy and sex therapy in San Diego and all of California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!