50 Shades of Relationships

Dating and being in a relationship may have you wondering what to do with your loved one based on your type of relationship. When in a new relationship, certain pressures can bring up lots of inner turmoil, and we try to mask or change the shades of ourselves from others.

We often hide the true versions of ourselves in fear that if the person we’re with really truly knew, the person behind the mask they might run away in fear. These masks inevitably become embedded and morphed into our ideal selves (masks): the version of us that we project so that we can or will be accepted by others.

So how do we put away our masks and allow others to see us, especially at times when we feel vulnerable like Valentine’s Day? This is sometimes difficult for us to do, as it requires us to be vulnerable and allow our true selves to be seen or heard. In order for us to be vulnerable, it requires risk… Yes, it’s scary but absolutely necessary if you want to be truly known and loved. When we step into vulnerability, we rid ourselves of external expectations often installed by societal norms. Social normative messages, the unwritten rules that shape a lot of human behavior, often are meant to influence our choices and can be found in everyday forms such as various advertisements in magazines, daily news, and many other sources. Normative messaging may be defined as the use of influential people leading us to conform in order to be liked and accepted by them. Some may even compare it to early childhood bullying on the school ground: conform, or else. But what impact does it have on our relationships?

When we look at children, they have not been exposed to the amount of normative messaging that society thrusts in our face daily. They are pure and curious, reminding us of when we were fully vulnerable and able to express our full selves. When you look at healthy children now, notice how full of vigor and peace they are, doing things that bring them joy on a continual basis. Of course, our upbringing and caregivers had a great amount of influence on how we developed over the years, but did we ever measure society’s influence? When did we start to depart from the full self and separate the ideal self from the true self? Depends on your personal experience really. Sometimes children learn to please their parents or peers in order to get acknowledgment. We take all of these experiences and store them in our brain into adulthood which then crafts an articulate version of the ideal self (who you feel confident exposing to the world outside).

Think about a time when you were shy, and the mask you developed in order to function normally amongst those around you. Or the time when you had to give a presentation in front of a crowd, and the ideal self that you wanted to convey. We do it in our jobs every day, in our communities, and yes… most of all in our relationships. Every time we find ourselves out of alignment with our true selves, we start to get anxious and develop a mask as a coping skill in order to develop an ideal self that we project out into the world. That anxiety pushes us further from our sense of integrity and unencumbered selves so we develop an ideal self that will be less injured if exposed. We all see these versions of ideal selves or masks: the successful career-driven individual who seems to have it all together, the well-groomed individual who seems to have a sense of balance in their lives - oh, and don’t get me started on the masks we wear in the dating realm! (Ok, to be honest, that is a completely different article in itself.) But seriously, if we look at all the data out there on current online dating profile trends, most lie about their age, height, and weight… All just to impress the other party in hopes of obtaining a date. Really? It’s not to ensure the success of a hook-up, but merely to ensure that the person you connected with might like you enough to meet up. I find this eerily similar to what we do with our resumes and potential employers. I only bring up online dating statistics because I think sometimes it defines how we act in general amongst the masses and how we choose to portray ourselves. Crazy, right? When it comes to masks, it seems like it’s ingrained in us to try to impress others with skills, material goods, or physical prowess.

So next time you come across someone new…ask yourself…are you hiding behind a mask or can you allow yourself to be truly known by others? I invite you to sit with a curiosity about how you might invite others, even those we are emotionally intimate with, to take off their masks as well. It may surprise both of you and you may end up learning more about one another, inviting a deeper connection.

To start the process toward a deeper connection and to look at what’s under your mask, get your free 15-minute consultation

Relationships Redefined specializes in helping couples and individuals find fulfillment, connection, trust, and healthy communication in their relationships and offers online counseling focused in couples therapy & marriage counseling, individual therapy, premarital counseling, and intimacy and sex therapy in San Diego and all of California. Book a free 15-minute online consultation with us here! Make Intimacy Your Reality!